Ya know that Daniel Powder song...?

...Its called "Bad Day"...you know it, it was used every time someone got booted off American Idol last year. It's a catchy little tune...Today, it was an "ear worm" for me - that's when a song gets in your head and no matter what you do, you cannot stop singing it in your head, over and over and over...However, my version had different words. "Ya had a fat day, you're gaining a pound. Ya work out so hard but when ya look around, you're surrounded by thin, I mean really really thin, college-aged blondes....." Well, I don't remember exactly, but that's pretty much how it went....

I was feeling pretty good this morning, actually, because I fit into a pair of jeans I haven't worn in over 2 years. This was a major accomplishment, because as you probably know, jeans are not very forgiving. Score one for my self-esteem!

Then, things changed. I've been really good about working out lately...I'm even starting to make it a regular part of my day, like lunch. (heheh!) Well, as I was walking into the locker room today, by some strange freak of nature, every single person I passed was not only 23, but also model-thin, model-beautiful, and model-in shape - men and women. I felt fat. Really fat. I realize this may not be the perception of those around me, but this is how I felt. It was a kick in the gut...literally. Self-esteem one, self-belief zero.

I know full-well that I'm doing a great job on my program, even ABOVE average. And as I said in my very first post, there's going to be some highs and some lows through this journey...and I vowed to share them all with you. I know I've lost almost 15 pounds, I know that I'm doing something healthy for me, I know that I will certainly bounce back from this. But today, for whatever reason, I kept telling myself, "I'll never be thin." Almost like a "Why bother...?" type feeling. Depressing isn't it?

I also know that any time something like this happens, help is a phone call away...if not from friends or family, then from the 24/7 staff at Jenny Craig, who are there for these such instances. But hey, I'm a stubborn Sagittarius...can't help it...

In today's society of instant gratification, unfortunately I have fallen victim to having a very low tolerance for anything that takes longer than 20 minutes. I know the healthy body that I want, and when I began this journey, I had a clear picture of that in my head. It's still there, but somehow it got buried behind 32 years of assuming I could not have that body. I know this is not true...the fact is, I am on my WAY to having that body. All the Jenny Craig cd's I listen to have a recurring theme: "Stop beating yourself up!" I should probably listen to those again...

Anyways, if you're also trying to lose weight right now, and you've had similar feelings, I'm just putting this out there so you know you're not alone...I've just chosen to make my feelings public on the world wide web. (Mental note: re-think offers to share self-deprecating humor in the future...)

STAY STRONG....It certainly isn't always easy, but this time around it's got to be different!

DAMN YOU DANIEL POWDER!!!!
;)

Till next time,
~L